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Coping With the News of Having Twins - Advice needed!

by Ryan
(Atlanta, GA)

My wife and I just found out that we are having twins. It is still very early, as she is only 7 weeks pregnant. We have had two ultrasounds and we heard two very healthy heartbeats today. The problem is that my wife is very, very overwhelmed with this news. The past two days she has cried constantly because she "does not want to have two kids at once", as she says. She is scared that she won't be able to handle twins when I am away for work. I reassured her that we will make sure that when I am not there during the day that she will have help. I know she is capable of handling twins, I just think that she had an idea in her head about how she wanted life to work out and twins were not part of the plan. She is sad mainly because she feels like a bad person for not wanting twins and not being excited about having these twins. I would love for her to be able to talk to someone that may have gone through this before. Any help would be appreciated.

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Oct 30, 2014
 Any advice?
by: Anonymous

I'd love to know where you guys ended up? We are in the exact same boat, with a planned pregnancy and all. What was supposed to be an exciting and happy first scan earlier this week has turned into a nightmare as we found out we are expecting identical twins. It has seriously messed with my emotions and I am considering terminating, although my husband is much more open to the idea of twins than me. I'm sorry if anyone is offended by this but I already feel like I'm not coping, I'm sure it would be worse if we saw this pregnancy through...the whole thought of the pregnancy, the birth and then parenting identical twins scares me, but I feel more than scared, I feel anxious and upset and not at all attached to what's inside me :(
Nov 07, 2012
 Been There
by: Stacey

Ryan,

My husband and I found out on day three of our honeymoon that we were having twins. We weren't trying to get pregnant and we were both certain that we only ever wanted one baby, total, ever.

I am home with the girls all day while my husband is at work. I know this thread has been active for a year, so I'm sure you two have already hit your stride, or are coping day to day, but I wanted to offer my email address if you ever want to get in touch with me, or if your wife just needs someone to talk to. It's s (dot) geer (at) atlanticbb (dot) com. Not actually formatting it that way, so as to avoid lots of spam.

I also have a Facebook page for twins and twin moms in my area. But it doesn't matter where you're at, we can always use more twin mamas and dads to share advice with or just to get support from. It's here:

www.facebook.com/groups/twinsandtwinmamas/

I'd love to talk to you guys and swap advice! Hope things are going well for you and your family.

Stacey
Sep 03, 2011
 Very normal feelings
by: Mary

My husband and I found out we were having twins at 8 weeks. I have never been so hysterical and scared about anything in my life. Everyone was telling me how lucky I was and telling me I must be so excited. Not helpful when I was just trying not to scream my fears.
Coming to terms that I cannot have the natural, non-medicated birth I wanted was very difficult also. The ignorant statements from singleton mothers who would say, "I don't know how you'll do it" made it also hard to accept.
The single most helpful thing I did was reach out to the Moms of Multiples group in my town. Nobody understands like mothers who have been where I am now. Seeing women who look showered and happy who can give me first hand advice was invaluable. One even invited me to meet her 10 month old twin boys.
I'm at 30 weeks now and have had a very good pregnancy so far. I hope you both are doing well.
Jun 04, 2011
 It will be okay!
by: Anonymous

My husband and I found out we were having twins at about 10 weeks or so. We are now at 18 weeks, and I feel like we are just now getting excited about it, and can agree when people say "How Exciting!" We were planning on one, as we already have 3 children, but we all know that you don't really "plan" how many. I was sobbing for days, and felt awful for being angry. People were making the worst comments like "Wow, you'll have your hands full!" Really? Gee, that hadn't occurred to me, thanks for letting me know. But those comments are the perfect time to say you'd appreciate any help they'd be interested in offering. And when people do offer to help, PEG THEM DOWN. Make a list, and have ideas ready. We've experienced a lot of nice offers, then when we call for help, (and I hope you do) no one was to be found. Now I'm ready.
Also, find a twins group in your area. Find other moms that can give you advice. I just googled it to find one in my area, it was easy. It is an incredibly overwhelming process to learn you are having twins, but it does get fun planning for it, and once you know the genders (if you choose to find out) it's even more fun. Good luck, and Kudos to you Dad, for coming on here and speaking up. A husbands support is crucial right now. :)
Jun 03, 2011
 Very normal reaction
by: Amber

We found out we were having twins at 7 weeks, and are now almost 13. We had decided to try to get pregnant despite having a less than ideal financial situation at the moment. But my biological clock was ticking, and I didn't want to risk waiting until it was too late. We felt like we might just be able to handle one baby. We never imagined we would have to manage two! We did not want twins, and, to be honest, we were half-hoping that "vanishing twin syndrome" would save us from the challenge and leave us with the one baby we'd planned for. But as of our ultrasound 2 days ago, both babies are looking healthy and we are now certain that we really are having twins.

I can't offer the same reassurance that those women whose twins have been born and who have already survived the newborn phase. All I can say is that your wife is not alone and there's nothing wrong in feeling how she feels. But I hope that, like me and my husband, she'll get used to the idea. We didn't ask for it, but we know that a few years from now, we'll look back and be unable to imagine it having been any other way. The newborn phase is always hard, and it's going to be even harder for us, but we're not the first women to attempt it. Your wife should check to see if there is a local chapter of the National Organization of Mothers of Twins (http://www.nomotc.org/). I'm sure another human whose been through the same experience could help her see the light at the end of the tunnel.

And can I just say that she is lucky to have you for a husband. Your coming here and asking for advice on her behalf is a very sweet and supportive thing to do.
Jun 03, 2011
 It's not easy, but it's not hard either
by: April

Congratulations to you both, and let your wife know that her feelings are normal. First off, she should not feel bad for how she feels. Those are her feelings, and how she feels is not bad, but how she decides to look at things will determine how she enjoys her pregnancy.

Try not to be overwhelmed, I know that is hard to do since you are on the other side of the fence right now, but I know first hand that this worry will seem silly when you have two 14 month olds like we do :).

We were excited at our pregnancy since we had struggled for a long time to have our babies, then when we heard twins, we didn't know what to think. I was AD USAF, and had been in for almost 9 years. I gave up my career and knew one of us had to stay home... me. I have been a stay at home mom now for 14 months. I have not had a break, but I have help. Organization is crucial in order to maintain some sort of order when she is alone. Initially it will be very hard on her, the late night feedings and worries... it was rough on me. My MIL moved in with us for the first few months... until they began sleeping through the night. you really need three sets of hands to manage them initially (in my opinion), otherwise you will burn out fast.

Then it becomes shockingly easy... I mean that, I have been SHOCKED at how easy it is sometimes. My biggest challenge right now is them climbing on the couch... but that's it. I have always made it a point to get myself (and the kids) out of the house a few times a week for all of our sanity. Get a good stroller... spend the money here (I prefer the City Mini over MacLaren-I have both). and a double snap-n-go. Getting out to do normal errands will be a great mood booster.

It is more important that she connect with other moms of multiples. I was never the type to reach out to people online, until I had the kids, and it is great to just be able to call my friends (none are even in my state) to just talk about the trials we have.

I really hope that she can see through this fog, I do not deny that it will be tough; however, once you watch the two playing together you will never be able to contemplate how it is raising a singleton (we only have the twins). I hope I did not offend you in anyway, and if your wife would like an ear that understands, she is more than welcome to reach out to me.
Jun 03, 2011
 Normal!!
by: Anonymous

I went through the same exact thing!! My husband and I found out we were having twins at 8 weeks. I was devastated, I only wanted one child not twins and I felt horrible about feeling like this. I felt like this for about 3 months into the pregnancy. Eventually she will get use to the idea and slowly but surly she will get excited. I thought the same thing I can't handle two babies at once and my husband is gone at his job three nights straight it made me feel sick to my stomach the thought of me at home with two babies by myself at the age of 23. But she WILL be able to do it its crazy how you just know what to do when it comes to your babies. SHe will be a great mom! It might take some time but she will come around its just a lot to take in at once. Some days after my babies were born that I still cried and said that i couldn't do this and felt like giving up. Having someone to talk to helps so much. I have a facebook and would love to talk to her if she has one. Talking with other twins mommies helps me a tons!!

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=518486973

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